But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters? They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. A man looked at me one day after a book signing and said, '. Shame is one, 'Do not be perceived as what - weak?'. But there is a feeling that there is something left behind, something that they don't want to admit to.įor men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. They admit their guilt and expect to move and re-start their lives. You only have to look at Lance Armstrong or Tiger Woods to see being dealt with publicly. Guilt is easy to deal with, we see it dealt with often in the public arena. guilt, inversely correlated with those things. Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. There's a huge difference between shame and guilt. Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame drives two big tapes - 'never good enough' and, if you can talk it out of that one, 'who do you think you are?' The thing to understand about shame is it's not guilt. I know your dad never paid attention.' Shame is that thing. smart enough or talented enough or powerful enough. When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door, and you think, 'I'm going in and I'm going to try this,' shame is the gremlin who says, 'You're not good enough. That's what life is about, about daring greatly, about being in the arena. The problem is when men equate failure with weakness, or they think that others, those they love and respect, equate failure with weakness. The idea of 'daring greatly' is appealing to many men, but the question is how to achieve it without appearing weak. But when he's in the arena, at best he wins, and at worst he loses, but when he fails, when he loses, he does so daring greatly.

The credit goes to the man in the arena whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat. It is not the man who sits and points out how the doer of deeds could have done things better and how he falls and stumbles. It's about 'the arena' where men fight their battles, daily, and where men establish their idea of masculinity. She used a famous quote from Theodore Roosevelt that is particularly relevant to men. In this article I will use quotations from her talk to look at how this issue affects men, in particular. Her 2012 TED talk went deep into this issue. She has made people realise that this is an area we are all involved in. These talks have rebounded around the world and changed the landscape in thinking about vulnerability, shame and guilt.

Brene brown ted talk man in the arena